I ran the village post office for twenty six years, so I have spent most of my adult life telling people their parcel will get there when it gets there. Tonight the parcel is my daughter, she has finally arrived, and I could not be happier about where she has landed.
I'm Pam, Heather's mum. She gave me one rule for tonight. Keep it short. I have weighed this speech the way I used to weigh a padded envelope, and we are well inside the limit.
When Heather was nine I made the mistake of bringing home a label maker from the shop. Most children would have lost interest by teatime. Mine labelled the dog. She labelled the spice rack, the light switches, and a drawer in the kitchen that simply said DRAWER. By the end of that summer you could not open a cupboard in our house without being told what it was for. Her dad found one stuck to the inside of his own wellington boot. LEFT, it said. He was not, on balance, sure she was wrong.
She organises events for a living now, which surprised precisely no one in this room. The girl who alphabetised my herbs grew up and started running other people's weddings, and she is very good at it, and I am not at all biased.
Here is the thing the labels were always hiding. Heather likes a place for everything because she cannot bear for anything to get lost. Not a teaspoon, not a cousin, not a single guest at the back who might be feeling left out. She spent her whole childhood making sure nobody and nothing slipped down the back of the sofa, and she never once made a show of it.
Then along came Daniel. The first time he came for his tea he asked, very seriously, whether the spice rack was still labelled. He had heard the stories. I told him it was, and I watched my daughter go pink, and I knew then we were in real trouble of the very best kind. He is the only person I have ever seen close her laptop at half past eleven and live to tell about it. His method is a cup of tea and the patience of a man waiting for a kettle that is taking its time.
Heather, love. You have spent your life making sure everyone else had a place and felt expected. Tonight your dad and I get to stand in a room that is full because of you, and watch you be the one who is looked after for a change. Let him. You have earned a sit down.
Daniel, welcome to the family, officially. You learned where everything goes, and more to the point you learned where she goes when she has had too much, which is straight to the kettle. We are keeping you.
So would you all get to your feet and find your glass. I spent twenty six years sending things first class. Tonight, for once, I get to keep the best thing that ever came through my door, and hand her over to someone who will treat her exactly that way. To Heather and Daniel. First class, the pair of you.
Spoken by Pam, 59, a retired sub-postmistress from Skipton and mother of the bride. 542 words.